Around the Bluhmin' Town: Remembering every body is a bikini body

Isn’t summer wonderful? So, are we all ready for donning a swimsuit? Hmm… some of us would rather walk a plank with a gang of blood-thirsty pirates behind us and a bunch of sharks with their jaws wide open waiting for us to jump, before going “public” in a bathing suit. About 80% of American adults over the age of 40 claim that they are “uncomfortable” with the way they look in a swimsuit. A shocking 50% of middle-aged American women say they would rather “have a heart attack” than wear a bathing suit out in public.

My grandkids want me to take them to a resort pool and go down the slides. Hey, I’m a grandma and in no mood for walking around poolside with a hundred folks. If I want to wear a swimsuit, it will be in the privacy of my own backyard. And then again, maybe not. I do need to buy a bathing suit because I am soon making my annual family vacation to San Diego. We all like to splash around in the ocean and maybe grab a boogie board to ride a wave.

I hate the thought of having to buy a swimsuit! Have you done this lately? It is intimidating to go to a store and try one on. This is not an exercise for the weak, as only the brave can survive. There, under the unforgiving florescent lights and the horror of three-way mirrors, it is the “time of reckoning” that will make many women physically ill. Every bulge, ripple, lump, bump, cellulite, flab, tummy and thigh will be completely and grossly exposed. Every potato chip, high-carb treat, piece of pie, and plate of pasta is suddenly staring back at you in a room full or mirrors. It’s more terrifying than a “Fun House.” There is no mercy, no denial — just absolute honesty made worse by the glare of bright lights!

A woman in her 60s went bathing suit shopping in a mall with her husband. She went to the dressing room, tried on a swimsuit and when she stood in front of the three-way mirror, she was so horrified that she let out a blood-curdling, “Noooooo.”

A sales associate called security. Her husband, who was somewhere else in the store heard his wife’s shrieks and ran into the women’s dressing room to stop whoever was murdering her. He was met by a woman walking out who hit him with her handbag several times until he was screaming too. Oh, yeah, buying swimsuits can get ugly.

Need a bathing suit? No worries. Head for the gym, run that mile, lift those weights, skip dessert, and by October you will look fabulous! Or, go ahead, expose yourself and be proud! Why shouldn’t everyone, all shapes and sizes, have fun this summer? It may take determination to try on a bathing suit and courage to wear it, but we can do this! My solution? I might get a wet suit. It’s the perfect cover up with head-to-toe spandex! See you at the beach!